The Hormone Cafe

In this episode of The Hormone Café, Dr. Sarah Pederson is joined by Kelly Sinning, licensed professional counselor and certified perinatal mental health specialist, to discuss the emotional and relational challenges that often arise during the fertility journey. From shifting friendships to strain within marriage, the two-week wait, and repeated disappointment, this episode offers practical, compassionate tools to protect your mental health during a season that is often filled with highs, lows, and invisible grief.

At Vera, mental health is considered just as essential as physical and hormonal health when navigating fertility.

In This Episode, You’ll Learn:

🤍 How Fertility Changes Friendships

Kelly explains that fertility struggles often shift relationships in unexpected ways.

Common experiences include:

• Difficulty feeling happy for pregnant friends
• Avoiding baby showers or pregnancy announcements
• Feelings of anger, jealousy, sadness, or resentment
• Guilt for not being the “friend you used to be”

These changes are normal and often temporary. Fertility is a season that comes with different emotional needs.

Key takeaway:

• It is okay to scale back
• You can love people from afar
• Protecting your mental health now helps preserve relationships long-term

You do not need to show up the same way in every season of life.

💬 Letting Go of Guilt in Relationships

Many people push themselves to attend events or overextend emotionally, which often leads to:

• Resentment
• Emotional exhaustion
• Awkward or painful interactions

Instead:

• Honor where you are
• Communicate honestly when possible
• Trust that strong friendships can withstand temporary distance

Most friends respond with understanding when given context.

❤️ How Fertility Impacts Your Relationship with Your Spouse

Trying to conceive often changes intimacy and connection.

Common challenges include:

• Sex becoming scheduled and pressure-filled
• Loss of spontaneity and desire
• Emotional disconnect
• Feeling misunderstood by your partner

This does not mean the relationship is failing — it means the season has changed.

🔑 Redefining Connection During Fertility

If sex no longer feels like the primary form of connection, alternatives may include:

• Holding hands
• Cuddling
• Going on dates without fertility talk
• Shared activities that feel nurturing and light
• Emotional check-ins without problem-solving

Connection can evolve without disappearing.

🗣️ How to Have Hard Conversations with Your Partner

One of the most important tools discussed is having conversations about how to have the conversation.

Consider:

• Timing (not right after work or during stress)
• Tone (humor vs. seriousness)
• Setting (walks, dates, neutral spaces)
• Avoiding trigger words
• Setting expectations beforehand

This reduces defensiveness and emotional shutdown.

🧠 Understanding Different Coping Styles

Men and women often cope differently during fertility challenges.

Common patterns:

• Women often seek connection and conversation
• Men often retreat when they feel helpless or out of control

Neither response is wrong — they are different coping mechanisms.

Awareness of these differences reduces resentment and miscommunication.

⏳ Surviving the Two-Week Wait

The two-week wait is one of the most emotionally taxing parts of fertility.

Helpful strategies include:

• Scheduling something enjoyable during that time
• Planning events unrelated to fertility
• Giving your mind something else to focus on

You will still think about pregnancy — but shared mental space helps.

🧪 Be Honest About How You Test

Kelly emphasizes being realistic about pregnancy testing habits.

If you:

• Test early — plan for it
• Wait until your period — plan for that too

There is no “right” way — only what is honest for you.

Planning ahead helps reduce emotional spirals after negative tests.

🛠️ Plan for Disappointment (Without Losing Hope)

Planning for how you’ll care for yourself after a negative test is not pessimistic — it is protective.

Ask yourself:

• How do I cope when I’m disappointed?
• Do I need alone time or connection?
• Do I need quiet or distraction?
• Who feels safe to talk to?

Self-care is one of the few things you can control during fertility.

🌊 The Emotional Rollercoaster of Fertility

Fertility is marked by:

• High highs
• Low lows
• Emotional whiplash
• Exhaustion — even from hope

This is normal.

Trying to force stability during an inherently unstable season often increases distress.

Instead:

• Acknowledge the waves
• Ride them rather than fight them
• Adjust expectations for productivity, energy, and social engagement

💔 Fertility as Invisible, Prolonged Grief

Every cycle without pregnancy can feel like a loss.

This grief is:

• Real
• Cumulative
• Often misunderstood
• Rarely acknowledged by others

Support is essential — not optional.

Seek out:

• People who understand loss
• Others navigating fertility challenges
• Mental health professionals
• Supportive communities

You do not have to carry this alone.

Key Takeaways:

Fertility changes relationships — and that’s okay.

Protecting your mental health is not selfish.

Connection with your partner may look different during this season.

Planning for hard moments reduces emotional overwhelm.

Support and community are critical during fertility challenges.